Not the Only One

Abstract digital artwork with overlapping shapes and warm colors including orange, yellow, purple, and pink.
Illustration of seven diverse women standing together with their arms around each other against a blue background.

  • “Not The Only One” is an online space where Australian women who have experienced domestic violence and abuse can share their experiences. Even though one in five Australian women is a victim/survivor of domestic violence, it is still not something that many women feel comfortable talking about or sharing with others. This is a place for them to connect anonymously through their shared experiences.

  • The posts on this site are freely available for anybody to read. If you read a woman’s experience that resonates with you, you can click the “This is Like Me” button to show that you relate to her experiences. If you are a woman who has experienced domestic violence, you can submit your own experience to the site by clicking “Write your Story”. You will be provided with instructions and helpful tips on how to do this.

  • The Not the Only One site has been developed by a team of researchers led by Dr Laura Tarzia from The University of Melbourne. A group of women victim survivors of domestic violence generously contributed their time to helping us develop and review this site. Thank you! All of the content was transferred from its original site into this Safer Families website in May 2020. The dates that appear on blogs posted prior to May 2020 are not necessarily accurate. This is because it was not possible to identify dates of submitted stories from the original site.

  • From time to time we receive requests from organisations or entities wishing to quote or reuse posts from Not The Only One. Should you wish to reuse the posts or content from this website, please contact the administrator outlining your request and intended use. We will generally only consider requests that are aligned with the goal of raising awareness about domestic violence, its prevention or response. Anyone can feel free to post their experiences as they appear directly to social media.

Register

We would love for you to contribute to this database of survivor reflections. In order to submit a reflection, please register below. You will need a valid email address in order to do this. The email address you provide below will remain confidential. It is only used to advise you when your post has been uploaded to the website. We recommend that you use a safe email address (one that a perpetrator or person you are afraid of does not have access to). You can set up a new free email account if you are unsure (see our “Online Safety” section for more information). Once you have registered, you will be redirected to a page where you can submit your story.

Please ensure you read our guidelines and tips before writing and submitting your story.

  • Computer Safety

    Your safety is vital, and so it is essential that you are able to access a computer and the internet in a safe, private environment (for example at a family member or friend’s place, a public library, or your workplace if appropriate). This website contains an emergency ‘quick exit’ feature that allows you to leave with one mouse click, but we still recommend that you take care which computer you use it on.

    Email Safety

    Please make sure the email address you use for signing up to 'Not The Only One' is a private one that is safe for us to contact you on, and that any person you are afraid of does not have access to. If you don't have your own personal email address, you can create one using a free email provider such as gmail, yahoo or hotmail. For good privacy, it is a good idea to use abbreviations in the name field (rather than your full name), choose a username others would not recognise as you, and use a strong password others do not know and would not be able to guess (but one you will remember).

    Browser Safety

    Whenever you browse the internet, you leave clues about yourself and what you do online — other people and organisations can find these clues. These tips will help you cover your tracks and understand how your online activity can be tracked.

    Private browsing: The browsers we use on our mobile phones, tablets and computers save our browsing history, such as the sites we visit, and they also use cookies. We recommend you turn on Private browsing. This means your browsing history will not be logged or saved. Your browser will not remember the pages you visit or your search history. Private browsing also prevents other users of the computer or device from finding the search history in most cases — but this may not work if there is spyware or if someone can see what you are doing on your computer or device.

    Private browsing is known as InPrivate, Private or Incognito, depending on the browser. The techniques for turning on private browsing vary according to your browser and the computer or device. The websites of popular browsers show how to browse in private mode.

    Manage your cookies: Increase your safety and privacy by turning off or deleting cookies. To turn off cookies in your web browser, go to the settings or tools menu and delete your cookies manually at the end of a session, or configure your browser to do it automatically.

    For more information about how to stay safe online refer to the eSafety Women or WESNET

  • All reflections will be reviewed by the administrators prior to uploading onto the website. We do not make a judgement about story quality, or edit for spelling/grammar, however, stories that are abusive, inappropriate or irrelevant, or contain marketing/advertising materials will not be approved.

    Please note that this is a website for women victims/survivors to share experiences with each other. We recognise that men can also be victims of domestic violence, however, at this stage we will not be accepting submissions from male victims. Men are welcome to read the reflections contained in the database. The Safer Families Centre is currently working on developing a site specifically for men to share stories on overcoming negative behaviours and use of violence. We also recommend men visit our Better Man site, a fully confidential site to assist men to identify areas of help needed with their intimate relationships to take positive action.

    Although we recognise that all experiences of abuse are valid and traumatic, we are trying to create a space for women with similar experiences to share their reflections As a result, we are only accepting submissions that are about abuse by an intimate partner (e.g. husband, male or female partner, boyfriend, girlfriend).

    Please do not use your real name or the names of any other people (e.g. partner, children).

    Please do not include identifying information in your reflection (e.g. address, suburb, name of school).

    From time to time we may allow reflections or excerpts to be reused by other organisations or researchers who wish to use the voices of women victims/survivors to raise awareness about domestic violence. As the reflections are anonymous, we cannot contact you to ask your permission individually, but the reflections will be credited to the Not The Only One website.

    Please note that we cannot prevent any unauthorised use of your reflections by other parties, although we hope this does not occur.

    • Although we encourage you to share your real experiences on this site, feel free to change some details to disguise your identity (e.g. you may state that you have a daughter instead of a son, or that you have a cat instead of a dog).

    • Please choose a title for your reflections. Remember that the title is what will make other women want to read what you have written, so try to make it something interesting and descriptive if you can!

    • The maximum word limit per story is approximately 800 words.

    • You may submit multiple stories if you wish.

    • You may write your story in any way you like – poetry, narrative, or something more unusual!

    • Keep in mind the message that you would like to convey to other women experiencing, or who have experienced domestic violence – what is the key message you want them to take away from reading your story?

    • Think carefully before linking your own reflection to Facebook, Twitter, or other social media. Others are free to post your stories on social media, given your anonymity will remain.

    • Lastly, remember to practice self-care. Take time out if you feel upset or distressed. We recommend you draft your reflection, you can save your story and come back to it later if you need a break. There is a list of helpful links to services who can help you further Click Here.

  • What Is Domestic Violence?

    Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse, intimate partner violence, relationship violence, or family violence) includes any behaviour within an intimate relationship that causes physical, emotional, sexual, economic and social harm to those in the relationship. An intimate relationship may refer to a survivor’s current or previous partner or living companion, including same sex relationships. Domestic violence is characterised by a pattern of fear and control. Fear experienced by the abused partner may be constant or episodic. Regardless of the frequency with which abuse occurs, it is still abuse. Many domestic violence survivors say that arguments did not precede the violent episodes or that the perpetrator often provoked the confrontation deliberately. Although we recognise that men can also be victims of domestic violence, the majority of victims are women. One in three adult women globally have experienced physical or sexual abuse at the hands of an intimate partner.

    Services & Support

    If you would like to talk to someone about your options for safety, your relationship, or any other concerns, visit the 1800 RESPECT website page which has details for specialist support services in each Australian state and territory, or you may like to contact one of the following national services by phone.  

    • National Sexual Assault & Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service (1800 RESPECT): 1800 737 732 (24 hrs)

    • Beyondblue info line: 1300 22 4636

    • Relationships Australia info line: 1300 364 277

    • Lifeline: 13 11 14

    • DirectLine - Drug Counselling & Information: 1800 888 236 (24hrs)

    • Sexual Assault Crisis Line: 1800 806 292

    • PANDA National Helpline (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression): 1300 726 306

    You can also visit our HELP page.

    Self-Care

    Some people may have a strong emotional reaction to reading the reflections on this website. It may remind you of your own experiences. This is a stress reaction that is completely normal. You are not crazy or weak.