Living through Psychological Abuse from an ex partner

Anonymous

I feel like he’s stealing my life. Stealing what’s meant to be the best years of my life. I thought I was going to ‘start my new life’ after separation. But he won’t let me.

He’s given me Anxiety and Fear where I was once carefree. Anxiety for the present. Fear for my future. Fear for my child’s future. Panic and anxiety with every text/phone call/email. What will it say? What does it mean? How will I answer it? Implications of every response I could give? Do I even need to answer it?

Never having restful sleep. Either insomnia or the need for endless sleep. My mind never rests. My teeth often clenched. Body often tense. Breathing often rapid. Exhaustion. Palpitations. Lack of appetite. Hair loss. Stomachache from anxiety.

He accuses me of mental illness and struggling with life and parenting. Maybe he’s making me that way.

I don’t look forward to the future as much as I should. I have excessive worry instead.

He controls my career - I don’t have head space to take up new challenges or study.

He controls my relationships- scared for him to know if I have a new partner. He reacts even at a hint I’m seeing somebody.

He controls my finances - pays little child support while accusing me of taking all his money.

He poisons my child’s mind by telling him to hate their mum, and creating stories to pretend I don’t love my child or provide for them.

I can never escape him... endless emails and texts, demands to change court orders, demands to meet, the accusations, the threats of court, malicious acts, manipulation, control and gaslighting. IVO’s don’t stop him as he knows how to play them. It feels like there’s no relief ahead and the courts don’t take his abuse seriously. But. I just have to keep going, and keep hoping for the best and that everything I’m doing for my child is enough.